Disclaimer: I wanna tell you this story, but I don't want you to judge me....just read the shit then formulate your opinion AFTER you've read the story in it's entirety.
I was at home the other day, watching this collection of Michael Jackson videos. Yeah sure, Mike is going through his legal problems but it doesn't stop him from being one of the greatest entertainers of all time. Period. Feeling all nostalgic for the years of my childhood, I took a trip to Target to bone up on my Mike Jackson CD's. (Maybe I shouldn't use the word "bone" while talking about Mike??? Fuck it, lets keep it moving. ) Anyway, I was looking for the re-mastered Thriller, but I'd settle for a greatest hits package or the "Number One's" CD. I'm in the CD aisle and like any music junkie, I'm like a kid in a candyshop (singing like 50 "I'll let you lick the lollipop"). I'm perusing the music and BEHOLD!!!!!!..............Mike Jack's Number Ones CD AND THRILLER!!! "Oh my stars!", I thought. I was sweating like Bobby Brown at a Whitney Houston interview. My heart was racing and my blood was green like The Hulk. All I could say was "YES"! After looking over the tracklisting, for my newfound CD's, I noticed a group of wanna-be Viva La Bam Tony Hawk skateboard punks noisily march over to the CD section. I didn't think nothing of it because when me and my crew go out, we're quite noisy ourselves. I overheard one of them say: "Dude! The new Nine Inch Nails CD is out! My sister Courtney says this CD totally rocks!" I kinda found their verbiage amusing so I smirked and kept looking through CD's.
Everything was fine until one of them came up to me, looked over my shoulder and said "Dude Michael Jackson!?!?!? You're buying fucking Michael Jackson?!?!?!?! His music is for pussies!".
Oh fuck.
Everyone within a 30 ft. Radius broke into laughter. Fucking clerks, stock boys, soccer moms pushing strollers and even old ladies buying Depends. I felt like the whole world was laughing at me and Mike Jackson. I grabbed my CD's and walked to the checkout to buy my music. I was mad as shit and I tried to stomp holes through the floor as I walked to counter. In the distance I could still hear the laughs and snickers from the punks. I even heard one of them go "Hee Hee" in a mock Michael Jackson voice. My blood was boiling.
When I got to the checkout, I reached for the only thing that would seem to calm me down: a king size bag of peanut M&M's. Even with my new CD's on the counter and my bag of chocolate goodness, I still felt anger. I still felt rage.
I needed vindication.
Before the clerk could ring me up, I snatched up my stuff and started to walk back to where the punks were. That was probably the longest walk of my life. This imaginary Michael Jackson Greatest Hits reel played over and over in my head. All I could think of was Mike moonwalking for the first time on the Apollo. I had visions of the "Thriller" video and Mike doing the Harlem Shake with those nasty-ass zombies. Or what about when Mike made the gang members in the "Beat It" video dance like they were in West Side Story? Vengeance was mine.
Walking towards the music section, I saw that the dumb asses had moved to the electronics section where they hovered around a Playstation. As I walked up, the jerk that said the initial comment turned around and said "Hey you buying more of that pussy music? I think they have more over there by the Tampons". His crew broke out into laughter. He then turned around and proceeded to finish his game of Grand Theft Zombie Auto Killer. Once he said that, I felt heat. An intense raging heat. The red Target shirts of the employees, became redder. The store glowed with an mesquite toned glaze of warmth. I had enough. With the M&M's still in my hand, I cocked my arm back as far as it would go. Next thing you know, with all the anger and precise fury I could muster, I smacked the living shit out of the back of his head, with the bag of peanut M&M's. Fucking multi-colored candy coated peanuts went flying everywhere. The punk then dropped to his knees and said, "Oh Fuck, Oh Fuck Oh Fuck, my head, Oh Fuck"! His punk ass friends looked frozen with disbelief. After about 30 seconds they broke into hysterical laughter. I mean they were on the floor, doubled over from laughing. Victory was mine.
Before I turned to walk away, I kneeled down to the wounded dumb ass (with candy coated shell in his hair) and said these words:
"Billie Jean......Bitch."
The End.
