Eternal Sunshine Of The Rotless Mind

Eternal Sunshine Of The Rot-less Mind

“We have a built-in allergy to unpleasant or disturbing information”
-Edward R. Murrow-

We live in an age where anything [we do] can be broadcast, posted, emailed, goggled, youtubed, etc, etc. Most of the time, we are the self-publishers of our own content. We cram our baby photos, prom pics and “drunken slut @ the club bent over showing her ass” pictures down peoples throats…on purpose. This is the age we live in. We’ve progressed (or regressed---depending on your perspective) to become a culture where our intimacies are transmitted/viewed/downloaded daily. I mean, isn’t it cool that we put our children’s pictures on Myspace so that some perv 3000 miles can jerk off to them? Really folks, isn’t technology grand?

The downside to this self media-fied onslaught is there is an editing process that never seems to happen---especially with writing. I’ve read countless blogs, emails, Myspace bulletins, Facebook profiles, company newsletters, yadda, yadda, yadda and one thing is very apparent: some of you muthafuckers are dumber than a box of rocks.

You don’t realize what a disservice you’re doing to yourselves when you don’t sit back and say, “Hey, before I send this out, let me make sure this shit reads properly”. Now granted, I’m not saying that I’m the ghost of James Baldwin. I’m nowhere even close. However, I do feel that I understand BASIC sentence structure. Somewhere, 5th grade Reading class eluded you. Seriously, are we reading what we write? You have to sit back and scrutinize your postings/emails, just a little, before you possibly let millions of people read this shit. How in the porn fuck do you send me an email or bulletin and expect me to come out to your event, sock-hop or sociopolitical function? Good god, man! You write like a 4th round NFL draft pick! Do you even consider spell check? Better yet, did you ever take English 101? Can you spell “English 101”? No fair, I just spelled it for you.

You know what? Ziti is willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I figure there must be reasons to why your literary works have the substance of ass lint.

Ziti’s 10 reasons why your writing skills are horrendous:

***You are a newly freed slave.

***You were the star football player in a high school where the athletic program was applauded more than academia. You don’t know a nickel from a quarter, but fuck it; you can catch a 40-yard pass. No Coach Carter over there.

***You just got your green card and English is your second language.

***You’re Mother and Father are also your aunt and your uncle.

***You’re a washed up, wannabe rapper, still using 90’s Hip-Hop vernacular. You

have to prove to everyone that you still “roc ruff rhymez & ur bringin terra 2 R era”. Yeah sun, you b havin madd skilz on the m.i.c.

***A few years back there was a controversy surrounding a student who orally “serviced” a high school English teacher to get a good grade. Are you that girl (or gay young man)?

***While 3 months pregnant with you, your mom says: “Hey a little wine during pregnancy won’t hurt the baby”. At 7 months pregnant with you, your mom says: “Hey a little Vodka won’t hurt the baby”. At 9 months pregnant your mom says: “Fuck it, the cocaine only goes in MY nose”.

***Sometimes community college can be a great place to meet people.

***You don’t give a fuck about how your lack of eloquence portrays you. You’re just trying to express yourself.

***You’re an X-man and your mutant power is to be dumb.

Come the hell on, man. I’m not trying to be harsh kiddies, but gottdamn!!! Take preventive measures before you send out your electronic fuckery again.
One piece of advice: Proofread. Proofread. Proof READ. La Proofia Readia. PROOFUS READUS MAXIMUS.

Do yourself the favor and don’t let the world know how dumb you really are. Some of you Junie B. Jones buttmunchers need not write anything…ever. When your girl finishes her vinegar bath, ask her to PLEASE read over that shit you just wrote. Please.

C’mon man…even Fantasia “got right”.

Love,

Zee.Ziti.Zillah

Suggested reading:

The Elements of Style by Strunk & White
(You need this if you’re even considering being a serious writer.)

Stephen King On Writing by Stephen King
(The horror master gives you a pragmatic view on polishing your craft.)

Green Eggs & Ham by Dr. Seuss
(This book is pure genius! No jokes, this book is eloquent and succinct. It’s simple, yet brilliant. It’s fun. It’s Illustrated! WTF! If you can’t grasp this shit you don’t have any business writing anything---not even your own name! Try them. Try them. Yes you may.)