In an effort to strengthen the bonds that exist between members of various clans, crews, posses and cliques, I, The Great Zee-Dini, will present a guide that will impart practical skill sets in maintaining "crew love". You can't successfully maneuver a crew through the rigors of life if you don't understand the basic tenets of nurturing your crew with the love needed to survive. Follow these guidelines to insure the survival of your crew…as well as yourself.
1. If you're getting money, hit everyone in your crew with some money.
I ran with this crew one time. We're all hustling. We're all trying to make some sh*t happen. Two people are in the front. Me and everyone else were in the back (working nonetheless). When payday came, the crew leader broke off himself and the dude right next to him. I got nothing. Late nights of blood, sweat and tears got me zero. I didn't get stupid. I gave that crew the finger and got my own sh*t. My words to that wack-ass-go-nowhere crew: You can have your little nickel and dime, unorganized hustle. No one is checking for you and you're washed up.
Remember this: If you're getting cash and your crew members are on "E", they will come and step to you. Or they'll just quit dealing with you. Period.
2. If you're DUMB, you are NOT IN CHARGE.
Some of you muthaf**kers aren't that bright. Some of you buttmunchers have all the sense of a bag of sea hag titties. But you seem to think you can be a leader or be in charge of some sh*t. Man, listen. You can hardly count to 10. You can hardly spell. You can't make a firm decision to save your f**king life. SIT THE F*CK DOWN SOMEWHERE. I'm serious. Find the smart person in your crew and elect him/her leader. It could save your life one day.
3. If you have low to no self-esteem/self confidence, you need to "get that together" before it causes problems in your life (and your crew).
This is one of the strongest principles on this list. If you don't have a good amount of self-esteem/ self-confidence, you will fail yourself (as well as your crew). Why? How? When you have LOW self-love, you will start to secretly hate the people around you.
For example:
*If you're overweight and you're overly self-conscious, it's going to cause problems.
*If you don't like the way you look, it's going to cause problems.
*If your home girls/boys cop ass and you don't/can't, it's going to cause problems.
*If your jealous that good fortune seems to hit your crewmembers (more than you), it's going to cause problems.
*If you meet chicks and they constantly blow you off, DEAL with those issues or your crew is f*cked.
Speaking of which…
4. Embrace the crew babe magnet.
I have this friend named Darnell. He's tall, smart, funny and chicks thinks he is FINE. Cool. We go places and his sh*t just lights up. The babes dig him. I'm so cool with that. Why? Gottdammit…. I'm ME!!! I do sh*t that Darnell doesn't do. I might mush a chick in the face and then ask for her phone number…and get it! I might cuss at a chick and then be able to nail her ass to a wall later. Darnell might be the cute one--but dammit--I'll dangle a chick over a hotel balcony! And she'll love me for it!!! I do sh*t like that. Those are my mutant powers! Never be jealous of the crew chick magnet. You're going to bask in his residue anyway. Hot chicks usually run in packs. There is power in your own individuality.
Take the X-Men for example; they all have different powers. How lame would it be for everyone in the crew to have Iceman's powers? Or every chick in your crew to be like Storm? Darnell may be Cyclops, but dammit I'm Wolverine---I'm crazy and I'll rip somebody to shreds. And my bone is metal. Metal.
5. Never get involved in your homies relationships.
Ladies: if your girl tells you about her "no good" boyfriend, it is not your place to try and counsel/advise him---unless you're trying to f*ck him. This shit right here can get you killed. Haven't you wisenheimers seen the movie Casino? Guys: if you think there is a problem in one of the homies relationship, don't get involved unless there is physical abuse. UNLESS YOUR ARE ASKED TO INTERVENE, DO NOT GET INVOLVED. Mind your own business. Many crews are dissolved with some dude/chick trying to play Captain Save-a-Hoe. Ladies: Add commentary when asked or you're involved DIRECTLY. Don't front. When you're alone with your girl's man and you're spilling the beans (HER beans), it's because you want to f*ck him. You could give a rat's ass about their relationship.
DUDES: It's okay to talk to your man's girl…IF you're mending fences between your man and HIS babe. It's not cool to get your man's girl alone and air his ass out. MEN DON'T DO THAT TYPE OF SH*T (my Dad says so). Dudes [who do that] are trying to cop ass from your girl…on the low (my Dad says that too).
6. Take the weakest dude in your crew and put him on the bench.
Self-Explanatory. Is he a habitual crier? Does he hate women? Can he carry out assignments on his own and stay focused? Does he fall in line, when the majority rules? Does he show his ass for chicks (like my 4-year-old nephew)? If so, bench him. Or kill his ass.
7. Take the wackest dude in your crew and put him on the bench.
Self-Explanatory. Is he the bummy dude in a crew of crispy dudes? You cop fresh Timbs; he cops fresh Jimbs (a.k.a. Jimberland boots)? Is he rocking slang/clothes that was hot when Kriss Kross was on top of the charts?
Does she ass kiss the very people she swears that she hates? If so, bench him/her. Or kill his/her ass.
Oh yeah…..
8. If you present yourself as a fucking bum or "homely" you have no business being in front.
How come when everyone sees you, you're dressed raggedy? Do you keep your appearance up? Do you use deodorant? Ladies: do you take vinegar baths? Does your wardrobe consist of old ass Van Halen Tour t-shirts from 1984? Step your clothing/hygiene game up. You dumb ass. You are representing your entire crew! Buy yourself some new kicks, some khakis from THE GAP and stop leaving the house dressed like a f*cking vagrant.
9. Men: never try to one up another man for a woman. Be yourself. You may just have a chance. Maybe. You sucker.
Women outnumber men in most places 10 to 1. Translation: TEN BABES FOR EVERY ONE DUDE. If you try to shine on a crewmember over some broad, just remember, it's not worth it. The dissension this will cause will bring a crew to its knees. Most chicks can pick up when a dude is trying to outshine one of his partners. Who likes a cornball that always has to try and one up his "mansandthem"? I knew this former crewmember that tried to crack wise, on me, in front of this babe. The chick was feeling ME, but his lame ass wanted to tap it. Cool. I'm figuring if it's that deep you can have her. He tried to shine and crack his weak little jokes. Uh-huh. Sure thing, homie.
By the way, she's in my kitchen right now, making veggie burgers…butt naked. Ha! I slay me. HEY!!! MORE CHEESE ON THEM BURGERS, Ma!!!
10. A business card and a cell phone do not make you a CEO.
Two reasons why this is on the list: 1. Flashing your business card and breaking out the smartphone just makes you look like a herb. 2. Crew members see you as an herb who just tries to assert nothingness.
11. Just because you're in front, does not make you the leader.
The guy who steers the boat is the captain. Period. Just because you talk, doesn't mean you make the decisions. Most of the time, the person in the crew that talks the most, knows very little.
12. If you secretly hate your friends (and their accomplishments) you need to take a good long look in the mirror.
You're probably the "crew rat". You should just go into hiding with Henry Hill and Color Me Badd. Many crews will have a "crew rat". It's usually the person YOU DON'T want/need it to be.
13. If you have guns, let your crew know.
That way, when traitorous crew "front on you", they have to constantly look over their shoulder. Check this out...I own 3 heaters. THREE. EVERYONE knows. Nuff said.
14. Love someone...who you're not sleeping with and who is not your mom.
15. Talk less. Listen more
Shut the f*ck up. Open your ears and listen…MORE.
Shut the f*ck up. Open your ears and listen…MORE.
16. If you talk shit about someone, be prepared to enjoy a good swift punch in the facial region.
I believe in one thing whole-heartedly: If you try and assassinate me (character assassination or physical), I'm going to get you. It may not be today. It may not be tomorrow. I will get you. You can take that sh*t to bank. If former/present crew EVER said anything about me and I found out, I'll see you. And I don't care who gets involved. Somebody's mom will cry.* Trust me. I keep my word.
NOTE: *Won't be my mom, her tear ducts don't work.
Don't talk about former crew in public. Matter of fact, don't mention those cats at all. Keep it moving.
If you part ways with a crew (and sh*t is quiet), keep it that way. Your talk isn't going to earn you anything but an ass whupping. What happens: you can part ways from a crew and talk trash. A year or two goes by and you're thinking sh*t is sweet. Uh huh. One day, when you're in the bagel spot, my man Big Free comes up to you and knocks you the f*ck out. AND he houses your sesame bagel and butter cream spread.
17. LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH.
Even though some of this sh*t was comical, this all boils down to LOVE. Love yourself. Love your hair. Love the way you look. Love how you talk. Word to El DeBarge. If you don't like yourself, change your thinking and inject love where the hate is. It's all about love, man.
p.s.
Some of you cats are going to see me---when you least expect it. You can take that sh*t to the bank.
Somebody's mom will cry.**
Won't be my mom. Her tear ducts don't work.**
