Turn On The Damn Lights!

The following conversation happened between me and one of my brothers. I won't say who. (Ahem.) He is thoroughly convinced that his ex's mom tried to perform a "ritual" on him. NOTE: For the sake of anonymity, his identity has been changed to "Frisco".


BASED ON A TRUE STORY.

Frisco: Yo, son! That woman is crazy. Something's wrong with her.

Ziti: You're a wild dude.

Frisco: I'm serious, man. Her f*cking mom got some evil, Satanic sh*t going on. That b*tch tried perform a ritual on me.

Ziti: (laughs hard) What?!?!? A "ritual"? Are you f*cking serious???

Frisco: I'm serious, son! Her parents came in town and I let them sleep in my room. My girl slept in the living room (on the couch). I'm sleeping in the guest room. I'm good. But you know how you wake up because you feel someone watching you? Yo, man.....I feel someone watching my ass.

Ziti: (eyebrow raises) What do you mean?

Frisco: Check this sh*t out: I wake up and this b*tch is sitting outside my door, indian-style, rocking back & forth. I'm serious, Zee! She's sitting on the f*cking floor, rocking back & forth. And she's chanting some voodoo sh*t underneath her breath.

Ziti: (laughs) Yo.....I don't mean to laugh. It's just how you're telling the story.

Frisco: Yo, man...this sh*t was serious! I wake up and I'm like, "What the f*ck?!?!?" I didn't know what the hell was going on. It's early in the morning. So, I started to make sure my ass was conscious. Make sure I wasn't dreaming and sh*t. F*ck that! I find out I'm awake (and not dreaming) and I'm like "Nah, man. Hells no!" 

Ziti: I would've had to put her ass out.

Frisco: So, check it: I sit up and I say to her mom, "What the hell are you doing???" She doesn't answer. I'm kinda shook up a little. This isn't regular sh*t you wake up to! This b*tch is sitting in my doorway, casting spells and sh*t! So, I ask her again: "What the hell are you doing???" She doesn't answer. So, I'm thinking, "F*ck this sh*t. This 'Serpent & The Rainbow'-ass b*tch ain't performing no f*cking ritual on me!

Ziti: (concerned) Yo......she didn't answer you? You serious?

Frisco: Zee.....the b*tch wasn't answering me, Zee. 

Ziti: Wowwwww. (laughs)

Frisco: I do a quick check. Make sure I got all my toes and sh*t. Make sure I'm not cut or bleeding. I had to make sure this b*tch didn't carve her cult's symbol into my chest. I'm good. Mind you, It's like 5 in the morning. So the house is pretty dark. At that hour, you're not ready to wake up to your girl's mom sitting on the floor, making noises---vibrating and sh*t. 

This sh*t is definitely not normal. And the b*tch is still not answering me!

I call out for my girl. I'm like, "Lita! Lita! Yo, Leets!!! Come get your f*cking mom, Leets!!!

Ziti: Did she hear you?

Frisco: Hell yeah, she heard me! Muthaf*ckahs down the street heard me!

Ziti: What'd she do?

Frisco: She came in the room and collected her f*cking mom up off the floor. Then I started collecting my sh*t.

Ziti: You jetted?

Frisco: F*ck yeah, I jetted! I wasted NO time. That's how I ended up at your house! I'm not sitting there while this woman is painting circles on the floor! She's over here, opening portals to other dimensions and sh*t. Son, she was trying to sacrifice me! 

Ziti: (laughs) You. Are. Crazy.

Frisco: Sh*t. I ain't crazy. Her f*cking mom is the one. Sitting on the floor, trying to put a root on me! A f*cking root, son! And you know what's crazy, Zee?

Ziti: Huh?

Frisco: That b*tch was constantly offering me these crazy little drinks she made...in these special cups and sh*t. Little bowls of porridges and soups and sh*t. Yo, son...She was trying to "Tommy Tong" me.

Ziti: (laughs uncontrollably) Dude, you are so f*cking stupid for saying that!!! (laughs)

Frisco: (laughs) You wild, Zee.

Ziti: "Tommy Tong". (laughs) I'm done. (laughs)

Frisco: (laughs) (then serious) But you know what?

Ziti: (tries to stop laughing) What?

Frisco: That b*tch going to Hell for that sh*t.

-END.

NOTE: The "Tommy Tong" reference? Ever seen the movie 'The Golden Child', starring Eddie Murphy? Tommy Tong was a henchmen for the evil demon, Sardo Numspa. Tommy Tong was the one responsible for putting human blood in the Golden Child's food. Having the Golden Child eat the blood-tainted food was the only way Sardo could kill the Golden Child.

Yep. In our family, we can work a Golden Child reference into damn near any conversation. It's one of our natural-born talents.