Fun Dip and other ignorant sh*t.

Okay. I've been told I need to update this f*cking blog. I shouldn't say "f*ck" like that.....unless ya mom is around. She likes that kind of ig'nant fool-ery. I have SO many ideas, where do I begin?

Hmm let's throw some sh*t out there. I'll list some scenarios and you tell me what would make the better blog. Deal? When I hit you with something that resonates in the back of your soul-parts, let me know.

1. Ziti's most horrid sexual experience.

I'll just say this: this girl's privates smelled of a fine mustard gas mixed with aged/vintage dog sh*t. Dumb me. I had to lie to get out of that one. If I could paint the picture, the box odor was so bad it could have turned me gay.

Gay.

2. Big Free and Jose's Home Improvement.

First off, let me say that these two dudes are like the funniest cats I know. Sometimes the sh*t they say makes no sense and it's f*cking brilliant. BRILLIANT! I remember one time these jokers bought a Casio keyboard just so they could rip on each over beats! [note: think dudes cracking on each other over the beat to "Laffy Taffy". F*cking brilliant!]

Anyway.....

One day, my Pop sent them to the store, to get NAILS to fix something in the house. Why did these a$$holes come back with Lee Press-On Nails?

You know what? Stop right there. That's the story. Nuff said.

Next time these dudes have a "comedy showdown" I'm putting it on YouTube.

3. My cousins Stella and Odella get in a brawl fight.....with each other.

I love my cousins. Stella and Odella---they're sisters. They provide me with plenty of ammo for my literary pursuits. One day they got into a fight. Stella got some weight on her. Her punch has been known to break bones. Odella is tall and limber...and extremely mouthy. Ahhhhhhhhh.......a [grudge] match made in heaven. I can't remember who/what exactly started it, I just remember Stella yelling out: "I'll kill that tall, black b*tch". Then I recall Odella saying: "F*ck you---you short, black b*tch! You have to catch me first!" And so it began. Stella chased Odella. Up the block. Down the block. Around the neighborhood. Through the neighborhood. When Stella finally caught up with Odella, she [Stella] smacked her [Odella] so hard that the bob wig she had on spun around 180 degrees. No bullsh*t. I mean SPUN. Now ladies, imagine yourself putting on a bob wig. Now turn the wig so that the back of it is sitting in front of your face.

Uh-huh. She literally split her wig. That was the only time I can recall that someone got hit and I cried. That sh*t was the proverbial "god smack".

Afterwards, Odella gave her life to Christ. She claimed to have seen Jesus when Stella smacked her face off.

4. Ziti: America's Most Wanted.

Teenage me. My cousin and his hoodlum crew. Out past curfew, trying to hotwire the car of a sister to one of the guys in the crew. 2 in the morning, who shows up? WHOOP! WHOOP! It's the sound of the police! Police put the lights on us, we all start running. For some reason, I started thinking about all of the 1960's Civil Rights movies I'd ever seen. Mississippi Burning comes to mind. I heard dogs barking. I heard redneck officers yelling: "BOYYYYYYYYY!!!!! Yous nigra's gets back here fore I put a pound of buckshot in yer backside." Damn. I'm scared. Out of breath. I smell the fire from their burning torches.

Now what makes that part interesting is: 1. We were in Rhode Island. 2. Nobody (and especially any cops) in RI talks like that. Ahem. I have a very vivid imagination, when threatened.

Anyhoo, I'm running so fast that I didn't notice the invisible barbed wire fence in front of me. OOOOOOOMMMMPHHHHH!!!!!! Chest first.

Dogs barking. Search lights. Burning torches in the moonlit sky. Backwoods deputies calling me: Zee-Tay!!! I knows I saw yous boyyyyy!!! Yous one of them good darkies! Comes out so ol' Sheriff Skippy can gets ya home safe to yer mammy! I's really hate to put some buck in one of you good resta-fahrian Bob Marl-sy nigra types! But if yous don't come out, I reckon ol' Sheriff may make a serious mis-stake boy!

Okay, by this point my chest was on fire and I couldn't run anywhere. I spotted a broke down car in the far left of the adjacent parking lot. I slid underneath that hooptie like Indiana Jones.....and I waited. It was cold and rainy outside. I was still. With the exception of the pool of Penzoil, brake fluid, antifreeze and piss I lay in---underneath the car was dry. [note: the pee might've been mine]

The next morning I woke up underneath that same car. To this day, there is a fine line across my chest.

5. Hey, I didn't even get to tell you about Fun Dip.

End.