Funky Dividends

Some of my uncles have been locked up. Some for bribing cops. Some for trying to stuff a small bag of weed inside a box of Milk Duds. One of my uncles had a bootleg DVD operation the size of a small Wal-Mart (you know---the ones without the grocery store inside). Like Napoleon Dyna, I have an uncle named Rico. Uncle Rico is character, although I would dare not call him that to his face. He's charismatic. He's smart. He's a "unique" dresser. Chicks like him. He's cool. He's the kind of uncle that every young boy needs: he's not overly protective and stately like your father and he's not an asshole like your older brother. He's cool. But make no mistake....get "Reek" riled up and he will bring the pain like Meth. He has just enough cowboy in him to fuck someone up.

The most ingenious thing Uncle Reek ever hipped me to was his manifesto: "The Rico-Festo". The Rico-Festo was the bible for young men in our family. It was a guide to relationships, women, money and survival. Although a bit elementary in its statement, the Rico-Festo has a brilliance that hasn't been matched since Orwell wrote Animal Farm.

THE RICO - FESTO

1. Sometimes its okay to smack a woman. Just make sure you do it in private, while listening to a "slow jam" mixtape.

2. If you happen to be stranded in the desert and you have a salmon in your pocket, you can survive off the "fish juice".

3. If you have to pee, try not to hold it.

4. If you're having problems with your woman, you can yell and scream at the top of your lungs---just don't hit her (unless she likes to box and can take a good punch).

5. If you're in situation #4 (above) don't throw/break objects in the house. 9 times out of 10 your money bought the shit that you're throwing.

6. Never steal cable TV.....straight from the outside box. Make friends with a neighbor. After you become chummy, go to Radio Shack, buy some co-ax cable. If the cable is long enough you can run it from your "mansandthem" house.

7. Always keep aluminum foil handy. You never know when you're going to have to use a public toilet.

8. Always keep balloons and baby oil handy. You never know when you'll run out of condoms.

9. Keep your nails trimmed. You don't want people to think you sniff coke.

10. Grown men don't wear sandals. Flip flops are acceptable ONLY when worn with clean white socks.

11. If you like a woman, pay her no attention. Their inability to to be ignored will have you "up in that" in record time.

12. If you want to stop an argument with a woman, pay her no attention. Because they have the inability to accept being ignored, she'll probably throw herself on you (in naked fashion) just to get your attention. Like #11, you'll be "up in that" in record time.

13. Always keep about $2000 to $3000 in safe keeping. You never know when you'll have to make bail.

14. Never eat cold cake.

15. If an old girlfriend wants you to come over and catch up on "old times" always meet in a public place. Also, don't allow her to get/make you any drinks. She may be trying to kill you.

16. Drink lemonade with cayenne pepper at least once a month. This will make your fists heavy like rock.

17. Drink green tea with cayenne pepper at least once a month. This will give your penis properties like rock.

18. If you get mad at your bike, throw it against a wall. That will "toughen it up".

19. If you need to go into a store and they are about to close, run & slide underneath the pull down gate like they do in the Indiana Jones movies.

20. Always make your knives out of soap. If you have to shank someone you can wash your ass with the evidence.